"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write that truest sentence that you know." Ernest Hemingway
I used to think about this quote all the time when my main writing focus was fiction. And it just came back to me right now, as I'm feeling led to write about the shadows I'm integrating. It feels so vulnerable, and sometimes I wonder if I'm too vulnerable when I write. But this quote came to me. So I think it's right...the vulnerability is healing for me, and it shows other people they're not alone.
On Valentine's Day, ironically, I shared this poem I had written:
"I am alone.
I am alone.
And in the space
Where someone isn't,
There is me."
Valentine's Day played no significance! My marriage is all good. But I had been feeling a call for a while to go into isolation (as much as a mom of two young kids can), and this was the day my guides said, "It's time. Start today."
Two weeks later, as I write this, I'm still in isolation. Not total isolation. I'm with my family. But I've withdrawn from social media, and I haven't talked with my friends except for brief check-ins. Why?
Well, I started noticing a pattern in my life when it comes to relationships/friendships. This is where I'm scared to be vulnerable because I don't want anyone to feel bad, and they shouldn't. There's nothing to feel bad about. This is all internal stuff I've had to work through. Stuff I've needed to work through for years, and I'm finally seeing the light. But I started noticing that some important people in my life were not who I needed them to be in our relationship. Are you familiar with enneagram personality numbers? Well, I'm a four, which means:
-I feel everything so deeply.
-I romanticize/idealize things.
-I need to feel special and unique.
-I'm intensely all about emotional connection and understanding.
Have you heard the phrase, "Don't expect you from other people?"
Well I was definitely expecting me from other people. And I was idealizing and romanticizing some relationships. And with the return of my moon time since being pregnant, I started feeling an imbalance in these relationships. My pre-bleeding days show me e-ver-y-thing that is not right, and then my Queen self emerges and calls it out. So that's what happened with a couple relationships at the same time. Like, "Hey what's up with this? This doesn't feel good to me."
And then boom. My illusion was shattered. Because thankfully these relationships are with amazing, mature, loving people I'm quite close with. We respect each other. And we're honest. So there were conversations. Hard, necessary conversations that illuminated my illusions! I wasn't seeing the reality of these relationships. I was seeing things through a rosy lens of how I wanted things to be. It was an extraordinarily lonely feeling. I mourned. I had to let go of the illusions, and that feels like loss, and that's okay.
And it's part of the reason I was beckoned into solitude. I had to give myself space to separate reality from illusion. To figure out why I had created these illusions. (Spoiler alert: it's because of something in me, not something lacking in them.) To recalibrate and figure out how to be in these relationships differently in a way that honors reality.
So I know this post has been long already, but I want to show you the steps I took in this shadow work.
First I journaled all my feelings. I wrote sappy poems and let myself feel sad and alone. I let myself feel the hurt. I cried.
Then I let myself marinade in solitude for a couple weeks. I enjoyed it so much. It felt good to intentionally pull away from as many people as possible and focus all that time and energy on myself and my family. I gave myself a lot of love. I seriously upped my witchcraft studies and practices. I officially took the leap into Paganism and have been getting to know Demeter and Hecate as my patron goddesses. I actually consistently kept my home clean and did a lot of kundalini yoga. I got creative and made this blog because I loooove to write and blog, and I haven't had much time for it. I started a support exciting (secret for now) project. Who knew giving up social media for a while would give me so much time and energy, right?! I've been so much more present with my family too. I've honestly loved it, and this time has forever changed the way I'll use social media. With much more intention and boundaries, that's for sure!
And then on the night of the full moon, I pulled a single card. My first divination since the solitude began, because I was led to put away my cards and just BE in meditation. And do you know what the card said?! I kid you not, it said to see people and relationships in reality and not in illusions!!! So that told me it was time. And my moon time was just around the corner. Perfect shadow work time in my cycle. Perfect release. So the marinating was done, and I stepped fully into the shadow work. I asked why this pattern has played out over and over for years with so many different people. And I got my answer right away. Because I have had the need to be THE BEST. Tied to people-pleasing? A tiny bit, but it's more like if you're in relationship with me, I want to be your favorite. So I'll go to the ends of the earth for you, even when that creates imbalance or isn't healthy for me, because I want to be the best friend you've ever had. But then when you can't live up to that impossible standard in return or you don't feel that in return, I'm left feeling unimportant, unwanted. And it's not fair to anyone.
So then I asked why I had this need to be the best. And that came to me immediately too. Because childhood! Yay. Everything is always about childhood. And I have my toxic childhood friendship dynamics to thank for this one. See, in elementary school, I was in a friend trio. And things got toxic. There was alwaaaays a competition between which two of the friends were closer than the third. It got ridiculous. Sneaky phone calls where we'd try to get each other to admit (while the third was secretly listening) who they liked better. Barf, right? But it really planted a seed in me that it's a competition. My best friend later broke up with me (she said because I wasn't popular enough, but I was convinced it was because I had failed to be the best). And that meant for me that if you weren't the best, your friendship wasn't secure, and you'd be left behind for someone cooler.
So I went back with my Maiden, Mother, and Crone selves to that moment with the shitty, sneaky phone call. I hung up the phone and beckoned for her to follow us to the bedroom. We sat on her bed, and I told her that thing she was doing with my friends was awful. The girl who thought of it was being a bad friend. She/I was being a bad friend by going along with it. And hey, I was learning. But that's not how she should keep going. She didn't need to! There's no competition, it's OKAY if she's not the best because she's the best to me. I'm her new bestie. I hugged her and filled her with all the love she so desperately needed.
And then I came back to the present and integrated that for myself. I set down my need to be the best. Laid it to rest. Laid down the illusion that other people need to fill anything in me. I'm number one for myself, above ALL my relationships. Because no one else will ever be who I need them to be if who I'm needing is ME. So I fill myself with myself.
The next step in integrating this is coming to terms with the actual change this will bring in my life. It means my relationships are going to change, and I may not know exactly how, but they can't possibly stay the same if the dynamics are different. The transition will probably be hard, but I bet it'll feel healthier and more balanced for everyone. I hope people will feel more accepted by me because I'm taking them as *they* are and not who I'm needing them to be. I hope people will still feel loved by me even as I reign it in a little. My love will feel different, maybe "less" on the surface, but it will be a deeper healthier love because it's coming from a place of overflowing love I'm giving to myself first.
With this shadow work "done," at least this layer at this time, I'm feeling like I'm ready to start re-emerging little by little from my solitude. For everyone who knows me in real life, and especially if we're close, thank you for being patient and gracious as I've worked through this.
May we all feel the deepest love from ourselves so we can love others with our abundant overflow.
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